Red Stags Mummers Play
Christmas 2002
This is a cut-down version of the 1996 variant of a script we've had in use for a number of years.
Dramatis Personae:
KJ - King John, FC - Father Christmas, BS - Bold Slasher, TK - Turkish Knight, DR - Doctor

King John Make Room, Make Room I say,

In comes I, King John; King John is a man of courage bold.
With my sword and spear by my side I've won many crowns of gold.
I fought a fiery dragon and drove it to the slaughter,
and by the means of this and that I won the King of Bohemia's daughter.
So after me, walk in father, walk in old man...
Father Christmas In comes I, old Father Christmas; welcome or welcome not.
I hope old Father Christmas will never be forgot.
Now Christmas comes but once a year,
and when it comes it brings good cheer.
Roast beef, plum pudding, mince pies,
who likes them better than I?
King John We can see that, old man...

Why I have travelled both far and near.
I need reviving with a mug of your strong beer.
And if you bring me a pot of the best
I hope your soul in heaven shall rest,
but if it is a pot of the small,
We cannot show you any sport at all.
King John is given a mug of beer
King John Ah, a mug of the best, the finest pint in all the West
KJ wanders off, whistling, to drink his beer
Father Christmas Now, though old Father Christmas has but a short time to stay,
He'll show you sport and pastime, before he goes away.
Activity of youth, activity of age,
the like of which has ne'er been seen on the stage.
All shout "nor likely to be"
Father Christmas Now in this place there shall be shown
the dreadfullest battle that was ever known.
Walk in King John, and boldly act thy part,
that all gathered here may see your wondrous art.
King John Is there a man stands in this land,
I cannot cut down 'neath my created hand?
Father Christmas But I know, there stands without
A man to beat King John, without a doubt.
Come in Bold Slasher and boldly act thy part,
that all gathered here may see your wondrous art.
Slasher In come I, a valiant soldier; Slasher is my name.
With my sword and buckler by my side, I hope to win the game.
My head is made of iron, my body lined with steel.
All the rest is muscle, here love, want a feel?
King John Go and cut your funny dance :
Against King John you stand no chance.
I'll grind your bones as fine as dust,
and send them to the cookshop to make mince pie crust.
So prepare your sword to fight :
Satisfaction I shall have before you go tonight.
Slasher So battle to battle you and I must cry,
To see who on this ground shall lie.
I'll quickly take the life from thee,
or thee from me.
King John So battle to battle you and I must call,
To see who on this ground shall fall.
So mind your hits and guard your blows,
likewise your head and eyes also.
They fight and Slasher dies
Father Christmas You been and killed my son.
A Doctor, a Doctor, call me a Doctor.
All: You're a Doctor
raucous laughter from the audience interrupts progress for minutes! Strange, I haven't heard that at any performances this year.
Father Christmas Is there a doctor to be found,
to cure my son who lies bleeding on the ground?
Doctor Oh yes, there is a doctor to be found,
to cure your bleeding son who lies...
to cure your son who lies on the bleeding ground...,
to cure your son who lies upon the ground, bleeding.
Father Christmas But what is thy fee, Doctor?
Doctor Ten farthings is my fee,
but ten guineas I ask of thee.
Fetch me an old woman, four score years and ten,
and I'll soon fetch her round, fat and plump again,
and ask nothing for my fee.
Father Christmas What can you cure, Doctor?
Doctor I can cure wheezes, sneezes, cuts and grazes;
I have a skill that always amazes;
nicks and scratches, bumps and bruises -
why almost anything I chooses!
I've mended sides that split from laughing,
And stopped a cat from loudly barking.
Father Christmas Really! How did you learn your trade?
Doctor On my travels of course.
Why I've been to Eastleigh, Beulieu and Leigh Delamere
and most of the pubs, hotels and bars you'll find round here.
Italy, Sicily, France and Spain, all round the Isle of Wight and back again.
Father Christmas You seem too clever for me, Doctor.
Doctor Clever, clever as you shall see!
I have a little bottle of stuff with me :
Some call it hokey-pokey, some kill-me-pains,
let them call it what they will: Gales, Badger?
It will soon fetch your son to life.
One drop on the skullbone, one drop on the heart...
Arise Bold Champion and quickly depart.
Father Christmas Thankee Doctor, thankee.

Now in comes a Turkish knight,
and with King John he wants to fight.
He tells of great wonder and boasts of great skill,
and if he gets the chance, King John he'll surely kill.
Turkish Knight In comes I the Turkish knight.
from Turkey's land I've come to fight.
So King John put up your sword to fight.
Satisfaction I will have before you go tonight.
King John Ha! Ha! my friend, your talk is very bold,
But though your blood be very hot, I'll quickly fetch it cold.
So therefore Turkish Knight,
prepare your sword to fight,
or pull out your purse to pay.
Satisfaction I will have before you go away.
Turkish Knight So battle to battle you and I must cry,
to see who on this ground shall lie.
So mind your hits and guard your blows,
likewise your head and eyes also.
They fight, Turkish Knight submits...
Turkish Knight Now down upon bended knee I humbly crave :
Spare my life and a ransom my kingdom shall raise.
King John Rise up at once thou Turkish knight and to thy country go,
and tell how great is England's King who shows mercy to a foe.
Turkish Knight I shall leave this country, and quickly I'll be gone.
God bless the good people of Hampshire,
likewise their champion King John.
Both Depart
Father Christmas And now our play is almost ended,
Our moneybox is recommended:
Silver and Gold will do us no harm,
while good food will help to keep us warm.

Good luck and Good fortune are all that we bring,
so please treat us kindly and God Save the King.

Now here I sit, taking my ease,
Ladies and Gentlemen, give what you please.
***** The End *****

text trad, arr Anderson and Red Stags.
Use is permitted for not-for-profit purposes or small charitable collections.
All other rights are subject to negotiation.